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Article published In: Journal of Language and Sexuality
Vol. 14:1 (2025) ► pp.1–30

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“That 3-word-ultimatum”

The relationship escalator and normative romance in metalinguistic commentary about I love you

 | Concordia UniversityMontréal, Canada
ORCiD logo with link | University of CaliforniaSanta Barbara, USA
Published online: 3 February 2025
DOI logo with link
https://doi.org/10.1075/jls.22008.kes
Abstract
I love you is among the most meaningful utterances in English speakers’ organization of intimacy, yet remains understudied by scholars of language. This article investigates metapragmatic discourse about the first exchange of I love you between romantic partners using data from the social media platform Reddit. The discourse reveals a normative model in which I love you functions not only as an expression of emotion but a speech act that is ideologically constructed as committing the speaker and inviting the listener onto a relationship path that includes monogamy, long-term commitment, and eventually cohabitation and marriage. Normative discourses about and practices surrounding I love you thereby bolster the hypervalorization of romantic relationships, the validation of jealousy and possessiveness as expressions of love, and the naturalization of monogamy and normative Western family structures. Drawing on discourses of polyamory, asexuality, and disability/neurodivergence, we point to alternative possibilities for love’s meaning and expression.
Article outline
  • 1.Introduction
  • 2.Love, language, and normativity
    • 2.1Love, culture, and normativity
    • 2.2I love you as performative speech act: Sincerity vs. timing
  • 3.Data and methods
    • 3.1Data
    • 3.2Analytic methods
  • 4.Data analysis
    • 4.1Friends or “more”? The uncertain meaning of I love you
    • 4.2I love you as an invitation onto the relationship escalator
      • 4.2.1Jealousy and monogamy
      • 4.2.2Don’t try this at home: Accelerating the escalator
    • 4.3“That 3-word-ultimatum”: Sincerity, timing, and intentionality
      • 4.3.1The ultimatum of I love you
      • 4.3.2Fulfilling the sincerity condition — or not
      • 4.3.3Alternatives to I love you
      • 4.3.4Intentionality behind the first I love you
    • 4.4Happily ever after: Measuring the success of relationships
    • 4.5The story of I love you as the story of the relationship
  • 5.Conclusion
  • Notes
  • References
References (55)
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